Following World Turnip Day, World Nappies-On-The-Head Day and World Body Odour Day, World Health Day is again a welcome relief. So, in keeping with the local trend of looking beautiful, feeling great and all-round wellness of mind, body and soul – here are some priceless tips, as confirmed by the University for Obloquy (UFO).
#1 BEER, WINES AND SPIRITS
Contrary to popular scaremongering, consuming alcohol is good for you! Hooray! UFO has told us that binge-drinking calms nerves, helps heavy sleep and even extended hibernation.
#2 SMOKING
In the 1950s, there were widespread advertisements encouraging cigarettes. This was an era of scientific discovery, as proven by UFO. A spokesperson for the university commented and said “would you like to buy some spokes?” Or was that smokes? Whichever, this is another jovial tip for health.
#3 TELEVISION
Trash TV has had a bad rap of late, so we would like to set the record straight. As the UFO’s Head of Information, Mrs. Khloe South-Garbage told us, “Leave me alone, I’m watching the box!” Quite right, too! Why should we make the most of the great outdoors, fresh air and intellectual chat, when we have such inspiring role models such as……Donald Trump? Watch TV! It helps!
#4 FAST FOOD
When the first beefburger cafe was opened in 1758, it sold only salads. This included so many vitamins and minerals, that wars such as the Great War of the Tongue, The Pinocchio War and War of Absolute Fabrication were won from eating these healthy nutrients. Like modern-day superathletes and their nonsense regimes, some say that without these historic salads, soldiers would have lost their battles with food and began drinking soft skinny lattes instead. Now we wouldn’t want that, would we? Professor of Historic Non-Truths, Mr Ronald Jack McHungry’s studies suggest that “if you can’t eat ten hamburgers in a row, you’re not fit to be in my family.” A proud man.
#5 DOING NOTHING
While Australia is the sixth largest country in the world, the UFO’s studies has proved to us that non-one has ever benefitted from walking across it, or in fact getting out of bed in the morning. Those that have got out of bed and have made it to the lounge sofa have suffered chronically and become “cabbages” or “potatoes” on the couch. They have, according to Dr. Fats Cholestrolic only recovered by remaining on the sofa until they can summon up courage to order a pizza. Only then, can they make it back to their beds. In conclusion, don’t bother moving!
This article was written on April 1st and has no evidence of any truth included. Happy belated April Fool!
